


Splinters of my Soul

by MyJediLife



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Altar Sex, Alternate Universe - Priests, Badass Rey, Confessional Sex, Dark fic light, F/M, Father Ben is not who he seems, God is a horrible boss, Hot priest anyone?, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Obsessive Behavior, Possessive Kylo Ren, Priest Kink, Stalker Kylo Ren, With added bonus Priestlo, priestlo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:41:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23151883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife/pseuds/MyJediLife
Summary: I've always been a hunterNothing on my tailBut there was something in youI knewCould make that change...
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23
Collections: The Perfect Date - Pink Ladies Spring Exchange





	Splinters of my Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I was given several lovely song choices by Lauren for a prompt, and ended up listening to this song on repeat: so here is my take on it. Lauren, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> "Become The Beast" by Karliene

_ He _ _ felt like he _ _ at the bottom of a pit. It was dark and cold, and the walls were made of the smoothest stones, giving him no hold from which to even think of climbing out with. He turned, running a hand through his hair as his heart raced in his chest and he drew in quick gulps of air. It felt like an elephant pressing down on his chest. _

_ “Where are you, God?” He screamed suddenly, throwing his hands up in the air as he turned his face upwards towards the Heavens. “We had a deal! I said I’d devote my life to you! To helping people find you… to help them find the path leading to Salvation! Now you just ignore me?” Ben turned back towards the stone surrounding him, pounding his fists against it over and over, until his fists were a mangled mess of blood and flesh. He fell to his knees, his body shaking and his breaths labored, until he couldn’t stay upright any longer, his upper body crashing to the stones underneath him. _

He woke in a cold sweat, the all too familiar dream fading away like the moonlight fading into dawn outside his window. With a sigh, he closed his eyes and tried to sleep once more.

____________________________________________________________________

Prayer wasn’t helping him tonight.

Becoming a priest was supposed to help him become a better person. He had a purpose in life now, a path to walk upon. People looked up to him, came to him for advice and told him their deepest darkest secrets in confession. He helped the poor, the sick and dying, the orphans and oppressed. He told himself he was called to do this, that all the struggles with anger and depression and rejection had been solved when he decided to go to seminary to become a priest - even though, at the time, he hadn’t had a choice.

Oh, how he struggled some days. 

He would fall to his knees, his hands clasped tightly together as he dipped his head in respect and reverence, praying to the Almighty Father that these feelings of anger and lust and sadness would disappear, and that he could finally find peace inside himself.

Ben had made countless mistakes, spilled so much blood before he had been cornered by the FBI and given several options: life in a federal prison, life working out his days in the most detestable jobs - or servitude to others as a man of the cloth. He was certain the last option had been given to him because of who his parents were, and because all the psychological reports showed the judge just how badly he’d been manipulated and groomed since he was a small child.

Mob criminals didn’t usually have a choice, and so Kylo Ren felt fortunate to become Father Benjamin Lucas.

Some nights - like tonight - he could still feel the expression of indifference he had worn pulled tight over his face to mask his features, could still feel the gun in his hand and the way his heart raced each time he got to pull the trigger. He sometimes missed the smell of the acrid gunpowder mixed with the coppery blood in his nostrils, and could feel the excitement of another kill for his Master’s cause.

He thought he was at peace with all he had done, with the man he became under his Master’s guidance - but now he wasn’t so sure.

It was nights like tonight that he missed his old life. He had been a good enforcer. People had feared him. People had done what he wanted, what his Master bid them to do - or else they died by Ben’s hand. And the women - he had any woman he wanted on any given night. Power oozed from his skin, and he had thrived in it.

Lightning flashed outside the tiny window of his equally meager apartment, and Ben got up from the floor where he had been kneeling, making his way to the rain soaked glass and glancing outside.

It was funny, somehow, that even though he had chosen religion over incarceration - he was still a prisoner, still felt like a caged animal.  God's rule felt just as stifling as those set by the federal government, and at times Ben felt like he couldn't breathe.

“Strike me down, God! You can make lightning rain down from the Heavens - how about using it to strike me down! We both know I don’t deserve anything less!” Ben wanted to shout his words towards the clouds, wanting his voice to be heard by his head priest - but couldn’t for fear he would be heard by the other Priests in St. Andrews who lived in the same building.

So, he held everything inside, even though he wanted to crawl out of his own skin more often than not. He wanted - needed - to destroy, to crush something or someone to feel sane again.

It was funny, what happened to men who were forced into redemption… how dark their souls became in the process.

____________________________________________________________________________

Rey Kenobi was not a religious woman in any way, shape or form. She had never gone to church, never prayed, never claimed to believe in some omnipotent being who saw everything controlling the universe. 

No, Rey chose to simply believe that every being walked their own path, for their own purpose. Some were good, some were questionable, and some walked with one foot on each path, desperately trying to find what felt right.

She had worked her way through the foster system after her parents had abandoned her in front of a police station in the slums of London when she was a baby, had fought her way through coming to America and going to university, and had worked her way into a good job directing an orphanage in New York City, helping kids who - when she looked close enough - she saw  much of her own struggles in their frightened eyes. .

If she had overcome everything and made something of herself - so could they. She made enough of a living to have a simple, clean apartment in a decent neighborhood, food in her fridge and cable television. Her life was good, yet she was missing something she never thought she would have

A partner. A companion. A lover.

As much as Rey had healthy relationships with her friends, she hadn’t had a lover in years. It wasn’t that she didn’t date or have boyfriends - no, her issue was with abandonment and letting people get close to her. Everyone left her for some reason at some point.

It was just an inevitability - like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west.

Rey sighed as she looked outside her window. It was ten at night, and she was still at the office. The paperwork needed to procure funding for the orphanage was immense, and Rey found it hard to go home when work needed to be done. She truly cared about the children in the care of the orphanage, and if she had to put in extra hours - so be it.

She rubbed a hand over her face, letting out another sigh as she stood, reaching out with delicate fingers to switch off her monitor and desk lamp before grabbing her bag and heading to the door. After closing and locking it behind her, Rey jumped as a flash of lightning lit the sky, a loud peal of thunder following quickly behind it.

“Shit,” she declared loudly, realizing that she had forgotten her umbrella at home. It would be a wild and wet jog to the bus stop, that much was certain. With a huff, Rey pulled up the collar of her jacket and tucked her messenger bag close to her as she took off running, a bolt of lightning making her double her speed to get to the shelter.

Finally, she reached the relative dryness of the small shelter at the bus stop, and she sank on to the bench to wait, her eyes traveling to the small apartment building across the street. It stood next to one church she worked closely with, St. Andrews.

As she took her shirt in her hands, wringing out the fabric to try and stay relatively warm, she could sense someone watching her. Looking up, Rey met the eyes of a man standing in the building's doorway. Something about him fascinated her, perhaps it was the dark hair hanging slightly over his eyes, or his imposing stature. Even from here she could tell he had an impressive build, and she could make out a pair of gorgeous eyes burning into hers. The moment was broken when her bus arrived, and as she slid into a seat, she looked back to the building, only to find herself disappointed when the man was gone.

__________________________________________________________________

  
  


Ben had stepped outside to clear his thoughts, the battle within him not being contained by the stifling air in the apartment. He needed to have the rain pelting him, to stand where the lightning and thunder could help soothe his inner turmoil, or strike him down if it was God’s will. He looked up to the sky, letting the fat wet drops pound on his skin until he felt a little less conflicted…

And that was when he first saw  _ her _ .

In his old life, Kylo would have swaggered over to her and flirted, and he would have undoubtedly taken her home. He knew he would have thoroughly fucked her, ruined her in bed for anyone else, and she would have been begging for more. No woman had ever denied him.

Now, well, he couldn’t attract attention to himself. Living as a Priest meant he couldn’t give in to those carnal pleasures he once enjoyed so very much. God required him to deny his lust on earth so that he could reap the rewards in Heaven.

He couldn’t keep his eyes off her, though, as she sprinted down the street, wringing her shirt out underneath the canopy of the bus stop. Even soaking wet, she intrigued him, and when she looked up with the most beautiful set of hazel eyes he had ever seen, Ben knew he was willing to do whatever it took to know her. He was good at tracking people, good at finding people - and she would be no different.

Looking up at the sky, Ben smiled. “Maybe you and me can be friends after all, God. You brought her to me for a reason, right?” His eyes went back to the bus stop, only to find the bus chugging away, puffs of steam rising into the air from its exhaust. Ben took note of the route number, and with another smile, went back to his room to do some research.

_____________________________________________________________

It felt so good to put on regular clothing, without the choking presence of his clerical collar - something that felt suffocating every time he put it on. He knew, deep inside, that this fate was definitely better than the alternative - being locked up the rest of his life in a tiny cell. At least he could walk outside, breathe the fresh air, set his own schedule, and his neighbors weren’t killers and rapists.

He was free to track down a beautiful woman.

He had been watching the bus stop since early morning, and as she stepped off the seven am bus, he pulled the Corellia U hoodie over his head, crossing the street and staying a safe distance away from her so she wouldn’t see him. He observed her stop at a small coffee shop, waiting casually until she came out carrying a large cup. He wondered what she preferred to drink.  She looked like someone who would order coffee with too much sugar in it and this made him smile for some reason.

Ben watched as the woman stopped at a nondescript office building, stepping inside and heading down a small hallway. He didn’t dare go inside for fear of being seen, so instead he went back to the coffee shop, ordering a coffee and a breakfast sandwich before returning to her building and settling onto a bench across the street. He would wait and see if she came out for lunch.

He had time to wait. His Archbishop didn’t mind as long as he signed up for hours to take confessions and performed his duties on Sundays for mass. Luckily, the rain had stopped, and Ben tried to shift his weight to get comfortable.

After an hour, Ben felt the weight of another person settling onto the bench with him. Looking over, he rolled his eyes as the other man spoke.

“How’s the new boss working out for you, Ren? You getting along with him? I heard he’s a hard ass.”

“Fuck off, Dameron.” Ben spat out, running a hand through his hair in annoyance.

“Awww, Benny boy,  is that any way for a Priest to talk?  We both know you’re stuck with me for the next decade or so. We might as well get along, right?” Poe reached out and poked at the empty wrapper from his sandwich that Ben had yet to throw away. “Was the sandwich any good? I’m kind of hungry…”

“Don’t the words fuck off mean anything to you, Special Agent Dameron? Don’t you have some goons to bust for illegally downloading music or something, instead of harassing a Priest who is just minding his own business?” Ben looked at Dameron, narrowing his eyes.

Poe bit his bottom lip before shrugging. “I dunno, something tells me you’re up to something, Solo. But, I have a job to do, and that requires me to check in with you monthly, as well as monitoring your tracker for the next decade. So…” Poe grinned at him, which earned a scowl from Ben, “Here I am. And here you are, Father Lucas. Looking decidedly un-priestlike. The big guy upstairs give you men of the cloth days off?” Poe grinned again as he glanced around, noting that Solo’s eyes seemed to be focused on something across the street, where a woman had just exited the office building, starting down the street. “Oh… the plot thickens! You got a little crush, Ren?” Leaning in, Poe remarked in a loud whisper, “Remember, the deal says you gotta play the part, Ren. Priests don’t get the girl, no matter how pretty she is.”

Ben huffed out a laugh as he looked over at Dameron, imagining how good it would feel to wrap his hands around the man’s neck as he choked that smirk off his face. “Don’t you have a job to do now that you’ve made sure that my leash is still on good and tight?”

Dameron stood, giving Ben another smile before he looked down the street in the direction the woman had been walking, letting the smile widen as he noticed she was nowhere to be seen. “Good talk, Father Lucas. Say a few Hail Mary’s for me or something, would you? I need some divine intervention for a couple things. Hey, I wonder if that girl is single? I kinda need someone to show me a good time.”

Ben watched the insufferable man walk down the street in the same direction as  _ the girl _ , wishing he could physically pound Dameron into the pavement for simply existing.

______________________ _____________________________________________________

It was easy enough to follow her when he wasn’t having to cater to the FBI. As Ben trailed the woman when she left work, he took note of her movements. If she was like most people, she had a routine.

Rey got another coffee after work before going to the small market - the same one he frequented. Then she grabbed dinner at a small cafe before boarding the same bus she had the previous day. He boarded the bus after her, making sure he kept his eyes down and his hoodie pulled up, and he got off the bus at the same stop as her, still keeping at a safe distance to avoid being noticed.

As she entered an apartment building, Ben took up a position across the street, scanning the windows and hoping to catch a final glimpse of her. After an hour, he knew he had to give up for the evening, hopeful that he would be able to get more information over the next few days.

He wouldn’t give up, now that he had found someone who piqued his interest, who he hoped could ease his inner turmoil.  The way her gaze burned into his, as if she was looking into his tainted soul--and if she could have such an effect on him with just her eyes, he couldn't fathom what actually being with him would do to him. ?

  
What he knew for certain was that he would find out. One way or another.


End file.
